effort.

The reason why you can be irritable at any given moment. That you didn't eat enough beforehand or you only had something insubstantial, like some instant ramen, leftovers in the fridge. Usually for me it's other people talking out of turn. I only wish they were more modest, at least sometimes, instead of going on about how they feel without being asked. Taking every opportunity to steer the conversation whichever way with a heavy-handed comment that presumes just them. Makes me think, bitterly and unfairly, of a certain lacking in their lives in the only way that allows them to be as they are, like a person in their lives at an early age who didn't force them to confront themselves. I could never understand a person who isn't self-conscious. I still care too much about the judgment of other people, insofar as how they see me and in the most boring sense of wanting to feel some self-soothing through their eyes, as if that interplay means anything about who I am. It's on the one hand that I have a strong sense of who I am and in particular when I'm feeling as 'vital' as I can, through a kind of indignant anger, something I see out in the world that I wish I could change, yet I don't know much else. There's a present lacking otherwise, but I guess I would prefer it as an estimation by other people. I only care about living by good example.