old habits.

I've been feeling a little heavy, past two days, not much thought of what to do. Lack of motivation but without even a sense of such a thing. I just want to sit here, in my room. You hardly realize you're feeling it when it's happening. Minutes go by, pass into hours and you're just fine with sitting around, not doing much in the way of something that isn't totally passive. Makes you also appreciate how much you can accomplish with a few button presses nowadays. How much of your actual work can be boiled down to writing out a preset phrase you don't even have to muster any thought into, all to make sure that everything is aligned with someone on the other end, anticipating much the same.

I salvage what I can of this mood by at least reading something that might be fulfilling. Either restorative or a habit that just makes me want to wallow, depending on how you want to look at it, I guess.

For the first time in my life I've thought as surely and concretely that I must be 'irritable'. An itch will form somewhere along my spine and it shoots this message to my brain that I'm a little too aware of the things going on around me, that it's too noisy in the other room or that I'm not being productive enough. I want for little else than for there to be enough time in the day, if for no other reason than for me to do both the things I want for myself and the things I do for the sake of bettering myself in the eyes of other people, in equal measure.

I haven't thought of an original idea in what I feel must be months by now. So many of the things I see online nowadays just feel like petty distractions. Like there's something in front of me and that each time I become aware, I only think of how ashamed I am to even look at it squarely.