tired.

There's a girl I see who's standing slightly hunched, face in profile, eyes as naturally with a softness that tells me simply that she's tired. It almost reminds me of a mugshot just for how staged it looks, or how the light source is seemingly far enough that you can barely perceive her shadow. She's wearing a hooded jacket and a thin choker necklace. I don't remember much in the way of how her hair looked, mostly a bob but longer by the cheeks and tucked just behind ear to look like a wing. I would like to draw this but I lack the talent. And even if I were perfectly capable, I doubt I would ever really be satisfied enough with anything about the tired expression as it could be portrayed as opposed to how I imagine it in my mind. In any case I can't draw to save my life.

I was reading a lot more before COVID. Figure that shit out. It's more than just the collective spare time that commuting to and from work would afford me, and I'd like to believe I'm not motivated in part by something as corny as the performance of reading on a subway (but really who's to say, as much as I believe it's natural to feel shame at the very idea of such a thing). It's less a problem now as I've come to be more aware of it, and it's one of those things where I don't feel there being anything to really 'figure out' aside from the obvious of being indoors all day: seeking novelty, not wanting to contribute to an overall feeling of languishing as if it's just this separate entity outside of yourself that's constantly being fed the more you ignore it.

Trying to imagine that same person but posed differently, if they would still look so tired if they were only just so askance and not in full profile, if them looking somewhere off-screen was what gave me the impression of their tiredness. Can imagine her with a beanie on or something if only because the length of her hair along the ears makes me believe they would stick out from under. Or in clothes more form-fitting but I don't really know why. Maybe the particular image just makes me think of her as groggy from waking up in the morning, which is only why it seems so particular to me.